BREAKING NEWS: after an uneventful day in Parliament where an indefinite-suspension-of-democracy bill passed without objection, departing BBC reporters stumble across a mysterious Punch & Judy stage in Victoria Tower Gardens South. Arriving just in time for the opening scene, they witness disturbing events from a safe distance behind Rodin’s sculpture, ‘The Burghers of Calais’. Horrified, they observe the assembled VIPs aren’t social-distancing or wearing PPE! Scratching their heads, they wonder if there are lockdown-exemptions for system-relevant billionaires and their minions attending performances in public spaces?

UPDATE: following a government-issued ‘D-Notice’, the BBC removed the report in line with SAGE and WHO guidelines on stopping the spread of FALSE-NEWS. Media owners concurred, denouncing posters of contradictory information as terrorist COVIDIOTs intent on killing your granny! Several unnamed journalists later ‘volunteered’ to trial GSK’s new NP-NG-NL (no pain, no gain, no liability) vaccine.

It’s all very strange… allegedly, they witnessed Bill ‘vaccines-r-us’ Gates and Klaus ‘great-reset’ Schwab appear from nowhere – as if by magic – dangling like puppets. After a flash and bang, the smoke cleared to reveal a Punch & Judy performance with a cast of very influential players…

Starring, in no particular order of importance… WHO Director-General Tedros Ghebreyesus (who qualified by ignoring cholera outbreaks) faces Christine ‘your-money’s-our-money’ Lagarde, President of the ECB. To their left, the great capitalist and CCP leader, Xi Jinping is flanked on the right by his apprentice, the conservative socialist Rishi Sunak, son-in-law of a billionaire. Next row: Mark Zuckerberg poses as Data from Star Trek opposite Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sporting a Gandalf-like beard; both helpfully remind the world to only trust WHO’s advice on COVID. Below them, the Duchy of Cornwall readies himself for a meeting with his vassals while stage-right, Benjamin Netanyahu, who has a knack for simplifying complex problems at the UN, now has a role as lockdown advisor to heads of states. Drum-roll: appearing in the starring roles as Punch & Judy, we proudly present… Boris ‘I’m-madder-than-I-look’ Johnson and Neil ‘if-the-model’s-broken-why-fix-it?’ Ferguson.

And, just like a visit from the Spanish Inquisition can never be anticipated, BBC breakfast-tv presenters Naga Munchetty and Charlie Stayt turn up unexpectedly offering chats on a comfy chair. Meanwhile, standing up for the people (who matter), the great saviour of European champagne socialists, Sir Keir Rodney Starmer KCB QC MP makes an appearance. George the First will be turning in his grave when he finds out that one of his knights has taken the knee for a Marxist organisation alongside Angela Rayner, his Labour Party deputy! But then again he shouldn’t worry because aristos and oligarchs generously contribute hundreds of millions to the ‘grassroots’ BLM movement.

Shooting out of the ground, the EU tower of Babel emerges, scattering Blockheads and prophetic books on terrifying, dystopian futures. To the left, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, who has usurped the Scottish Crown, confers a get-out-of-jail-free card to loyal EU subject, MP Margaret Ferrier for services rendered including infecting Westminster with a deadly WMD virus.

To the right of the censored book ‘Plague of Corruption’, witness new-normal scenes of public humiliation: forced apologies from Labour MP Tahir Ali for breaking lockdown rules by recklessly attending a large funeral, from Catherine Calderwood for going to her second home and from poor MP Robert Jenrick for going to his 17th century castle. Then suddenly, the whole performance is shamed into silence; from down the river, Gilad Atzmon’s saxophone-playing cuts through the charade to bring a little sanity and humanity for an unforgettable moment.

Peter Hitchens stomps angrily through the gardens oblivious to the Punch & Judy madness maybe because wearing a military-grade gas mask without the filter, he can’t see a damned thing! Fortunately for the conspirators, he passes swiftly by them. Piers Morgan, sitting in the middle with his fingers in his ears, can’t make up his mind whether to listen or not; he seems to be in some distress.

Nobody challenges Dame Cressida Rose Dick DBE QPM  – one of the worst social-distancing members at the show – probably because of her track record of dealing with ‘terrorist’ threats at Stockwell station. The Mayor of London Sadiq Khan hands out leaflets with the slogan “London loves EU” unaware a real BREXIT will never happen. Just then, world-saviour Greta Thunberg sails up the Thames, 1st class in a carbon-free yacht; everyone rushes over to her for selfies. Fortunately, the performance starts up again making it impossible to start her harangue, so instead she quietly liberates some deluxe toilet paper (no doubt to release back to their native habitat in the rainforest).

By now, it was getting quite late and the performance was interrupted again, this time by saintly nurses doing a cool, tick-tock dance on the way to work. The lead weights around their necks increase in direct proportion to the official Covid death toll. In the foreground – despite an all-time low in deaths from all causes – Borrington is taking no chances as he records the events for posterity in government-surplus, novichok-proof suit and donkey-head. His choice of PPE unwittingly starts a viral trend in eccentric protective gear…